Return to Hillsborough

Ozzie Owl, SWFC mascot. 

This is a brief account of what happened the day I reached my target I set in the early days of my bout of depression, when I finally pushed through my problems and attended a match at Hillsborough, home of my beloved Sheffield Wednesday FC.

Sheffield Wednesday at Hillsborough.

As most of you are already aware, I've not been to Hillsborough in over 5 years after a long hard battle against depression (for those not aware, read here). In that time I've seen them live once and that was in a pre-season friendly against Barnsley in 2010/11 where I sat in the Barnsley Kop with a 'dingle' friend of mine. All I remember about that game is looking across the pitch at my fellow Owls, bouncing and singing for the majority of the match despite a poor showing from the team. Now for those thinking 'how can he go there but not to Hillsborough?' - for a start Oakwell Stadium is 20 minutes away from where I live and the fear of a massive crowd doesn't exactly materialise at Barnsley. From that match I expected to be back at Sheffield Wednesday in no time, back in the Kop bouncing with the fans again - but I was hit with a 'relapse' of sorts in my self-motivated recovery. It coincided with the arrival of my second child and I felt like I had gone all the way back to the beginning and couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I gradually improved and when I received a text message from the friend who I attended my first ever Wednesday match with, it gave me a target to strive for once again. He asked if I wanted to watch the Owls play Doncaster Rovers at Hillsborough and for me this would bring me full circle - back to the old me. Of course I had my worries and trepidation but resisted the urges to make an excuse and miss this all important match. I even typed a message out ready to send to him days after, on the verge of cancelling our plans - only to see that if I do that now, I'm likely never to see the Owls play at Hillsborough again.
    I understand that to some readers this sounds dramatic and 'over the top' but for anybody that has battled a depression, you will know where I'm coming from. I've had nothing but support from fellow Owls on all platforms of social media, forums and of course the fabulous feedback of my 'The Making of...' article. I've had private messages from followers of my @SWFCarmchairfan twitter account, offering to pay for a match-day ticket for myself in a bid to help me get back to the place so many call 'home' and all of this combined is incredible. I truly believe that this fellow Owl response has helped me get to this position sooner rather than later.

SWFC v DRFC tickets.

     My tickets arrived on the 20th September, it added excitement and the nerves I had were pushed to the side. So now its time for business. The big day. The armchairfan returns to Hillsborough and this is to give an insight into how my day went from start to finish.

08:00 - After a surprisingly good nights sleep I woke up feeling fine - then within minutes my mind turned to the match. A mixture of excitement, anxiety and a kind of relief washed over me and I was counting down the hours until my lift arrived. I filled my time looking for little jobs to keep me occupied - anything to prevent 'thinking time' where doubts and anxiety would take the forefront.

13:00 - Kieron arrives - a lifelong friend and fellow Owl that took me to my first ever match, ready to take me to S6. A quick stop at the bookies in Wath and we are en route. Text messages from friends that know about what I have been through and friends made via twitter encourage and support me as we make our way. All anxiety has slipped away, there's a niggling bit of worry at the back of my mind but I pay no attention to it as me and Kieron talk all things Wednesday.

My first view of Hillsborough.

13:45 - My first glimpse of Hillsborough through the window, almost takes my breath just as more twitter messages come through from Chris, Paul, Nicholas, Lee, Ian, Paul, Martin & West Midlands Owls almost all at the same time, wishing me luck.

Ozzie Owl, SWFC mascot.

14:00 - We walk towards the stadium, stopping at a burger van before picking up a programme and wandering around the megastore - my eyes on stalks looking for some familiar faces. We talk about how I have been over the last few years and Kieron is more understanding than I expected a fellow 'bloke' to be. More messages of support come through, my wife and a friend that supports Barnsley this time.

14:20 - Its time to walk through the turnstiles - they seem tighter than before! Could be all those takeaways catching up with me... I'm in. Already the aura that surrounds the stadium embraces me, we walk up the ramp and the haze at the end is the feeling I've missed - the moment you see everything inside.

14:40 - The build up to the match involves taking pictures, talking Wednesday with Kieron and taking it all in again. There is zero anxiety felt as that is overtaken with the familiar feeling of optimism for the 90 minutes ahead.

SWFC & DRFC in action.

15:00 - Finally. Let the roller-coaster of matchday feelings commence!

15:48 - Half time and the common rasping in the throat from the songs and chants - enthusiastically bellowed from the stands. After an encouraging performance from the team the interval can't pass quick enough for me!

16:48 - Full-time and the 0-1 loss is confirmed, a smash and grab by Doncaster and as a man walks past screaming to Dave Jones to collect his P45, me and the majority of fans around applaud the team off the pitch. A walk out of the stadium affords one more glance back at an emptying Hillsborough and a massive sense of achievement at what I've just done.

17:10 - Homeward bound, disappointed at the result but not the performance but it literally feels as though a weight has been lifted off of me. The saying gets used frequently I know but that's the only way I can describe the sense of relief from this outing.

Sheffield Wednesday - Hillsborough. 

Once home I was shattered, mentally. With all that I had put myself through over the last 5+ years and reaching my long term target - one that I set when I first felt 'ill', of attending a match at Hillsborough again. The support I received from friends and family helped speed up my 'recovery' without a doubt and I can only thank them. For anybody going through what I've been through I suggest setting a target of something big you used to do before it hit and strive for it. I took small steps by going to places further out of my comfort zone until I was at a stage where my next big target was my final one. In the week before my visit to Hillsborough all sorts of excuses not to go were entering my mind, don't give in to those - push yourself until you're almost ready and then go for it. Finally, I'd advise you to talk. Don't bottle it up - I did for 3 years, I didn't tell a soul and it is something I regret. Support can come from anywhere and any support helps. I'm not saying I am 100% over what I've been through after just one match but I can tell you after reaching my final target I'm practically there and will be attending Hillsborough more this season.

I just wonder if that will be enough to lose the 'armchairfan' tag......