The making of 'theSWFCarmchairfan'

Clarke Carlisle, PFA chairman and former player.

A recent documentary by former Queens Park Rangers defender Clarke Carlisle highlighted the very real issue of depression in football - showing the fall from grace of some high profile footballers and their battle with mental illness. Giving an outsiders look into the lives of players such as former Aston Villa starlet Lee Hendrie, who went from owning a portfolio of houses and a fleet of cars, to being declared bankrupt and attempting suicide on more than one occasion. Clarke also told the story of his own battle against depression which saw the former England U21 player break down as he recollected his own suicide attempt following a career threatening injury and his subsequent fall down the footballing pyramid. Aidy Boothroyd gave Clarke a chance at Northampton Town but before signing him, spoke to the chairman and said that Clarke 'might go off the rails from time to time' in a rather flippant but honest statement on the players mental health. The BBC programme struck a chord with me whilst I lay there on my sofa - absorbed in the story the presenter was telling as 5 years ago I also battled depression - something I am still trying to overcome. Obviously I'm not a football player earning thousands of pounds a week with the expectations of the crowd on me week in week out - I'm a football fan. Now this is where this post becomes relevant to this site. 

The 'massive' at Hillsborough.

   

  Hillsborough always got me excited as I approached the stadium on match days - getting in early to watch her slowly fill with Wednesdayites of all ages, watching the kids flock to Ozzie Owl as soon as the mascot walked behind Kevin Pressmans goal for sweets from the bucket and photo's with the entertaining icon. The gradual build of noise as more fans came to watch their team, the pre-match music getting the stadium ready for kick-off and then the roller-coaster of emotions for the match before the trip home back to Conisbrough and Mexborough. With all that in mind, never would I have imagined being afraid to make the trip to S6 to watch the team I have supported for 20+ years. Yes, that's right - afraid. It wasn't a bad result or an incident that would deter me from travelling but something completely innocent and joyous - the birth of my son. I can imagine the confused looks on your faces right now - 'how can a baby make a man afraid to go to football?' - I've asked myself the very same question. Let me explain.

    

Battle against depression.

     When the doctor erased all hopes of being a parent - something I'd looked forward to being, when he told me that the girl I love cannot conceive and the crushing guilt that followed of assessing my relationship in its entirety I would never have imagined being a father. Thankfully that doctor was wrong and in 2008 my son was born and life was good. I wanted to spend every second with him, the baby that was never going to happen. When my paternity leave ended and I had to return to work everything started off fine - then gradually I started having dark thoughts. Imagining accidents involving the 2 most important people in my life, my son and his mother. These thoughts led to me questioning myself as a father and as a strong minded person I couldn't comprehend what was happening. Before I knew it I was barely sleeping at night as I was backwards and forwards between my bedroom and his - I'd stand there and watch his chest rise, making sure he was still breathing. The lack of sleep and dark thoughts took its toll and one day whilst working for British Gas I had what can only be described as a release. I broke down. A strong minded grown man in pieces. I hadn't told anyone about my problems and as Clarke Carlisle explained in his documentary - it was for the fear of looking weak. After unloading everything onto my future wife we decided for me to leave work and be a 'stay at home dad' - raising our son and giving him an advantage for when he would start school. This had its benefits of course, my son has been in the top few of his class since starting school and is further on than many of his school friends - something I take great satisfaction in. This came with a massive sacrifice.

     

I've been a football fan for as long as I can remember and I wouldn't have it any other way but attending matches was put on the back-burner as with only one working person in our household money was tighter than before and we had to prioritise, something I had no problem doing at the time but looking back now I can see was a mistake on my part. As the months dragged on before I knew it I had symptoms of Agoraphobia. I didn't want to be out somewhere and one of those 'dark thoughts' become reality and leave me totally helpless. It didn't occur to me that was what was happening at the time - I was just so consumed in thinking of what might happen when mother and son were out that I lost track of time and my social life suffered. I've gradually built myself back up - piece by piece to where I am now and one day I joined in a twitter conversation about Sheffield Wednesday only for somebody to hit me with the 'armchairfan' stigma. I fought my corner without telling my story for the fear of being ridiculed and suddenly it hit me. Yes I'm on the comeback trail - I go to different and new places now without as much fear and I'm building up to attend a match at Hillsborough again this season (2013/14), but who was this person to ridicule me over attendance at a whim without knowing anything about me? So, out of determination this site was born. This site has been brilliant for me, with the amount of praise for my work - helping build me back up and my 'dark thoughts' are a thing of the past, put to rest without a psychotherapist or medication. Its been a slow process but one I've done in my own way. Once I clear my final hurdle of the small trip to Sheffield from West Melton, Rotherham - and the massive crowds you will see me at Hillsborough, once again cheering with the rest of the massive.

My goal, to be in the stands again at Sheffield Wednesday FC.